At some point in the last semester I realized that a course in creative writing is very much required. Creativity comes at a premium these days hence maybe a course could help. Of course with great creativity, comes great redundancy. Nonetheless the boredom was significantly punctured when along came an assignment. To cut to the chase I was asked to write a story titled, “If God came to IIT”.

Now fiction used to be my forte a long time back. But that’s because I used to read. A habit, I have discontinued since the last century. Hence currently my level of expertise in fiction matches that of George bush in quantum theory. Nevertheless, I had to write. And I wrote.

Now I must do issue a statutory warning, the story ahead is so ghastly that it falls in the “it’s so bad, it’s good” category. You may call it the Gunda of short stories. All the best.

*The following is a piece of fiction. As of now there haven’t been a any reports yet of any resemblance to anything factual.

GOD MUST BE CRAZY

You may scoff at what I am about to tell you. I hope you won’t turn up your nose and quip “that’s bullshit. I will have to take this story with a barrel of salt.” Not that it matters what you feel about it. Let me tell you how my name got added to the long list of people like Abraham, Moses, Muhammad, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa & Keith Richards. Lies before the story of how I met God. In IIT.

After an unpleasant three hours watching the mind-numbing Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag, I was on my way back to the hostel. My friends, who were too unnerved to find their mental balance after the cinematic venture, had gone off to the beach to recuperate. Not being a beach person I decided to return back to the institute. It was like any other serene summer evening in the institute. It was while I was in the parking shed that I noticed him. Standing at the bus-stop with an incredulous look. It was evident that here was a man looking for help. My boy’s scouts instincts took over and I walked over to the gentleman.

Ordinary, commonplace, discreet wouldn’t be the words I would use if I was asked to describe his appearance. Immaculate to the T, the person was one of the most striking figures I have encountered. Judiciously tall and surprisingly well built for his age, the white hair and beard gave him an air of quiet authority. Estimating his age seemed futile. But he was definitely pretty old. He was dressed in a pristine creaseless light brown suit. Must have been an Armani or a Versace. Needlessly to say I was reasonably impressed even before I had spoken to him.

‘Sir, can I help you’? I asked. The man looked up and stared at me for a while thorough his horn-rimmed glasses.

He replied,

‘Actually yes, it seems the buses are not running today. Can you guide me to Gajendra Circle?’

‘No problem sir. I am going the same way. We can walk. It shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes.’

As we started walking, he turned to me and asked, ‘So sayan did you like the movie?’
I thought I misheard him. “Excuse me?” I asked.

“How was aag? The reviews weren’t good.” he queried with a deadpan expression.

“Do I know you sir? How did you know my name? May I know who you are?” I asked totally flabbergasted.

“First of all drop the sir. And if you must know, then the fact is that I am God.”

“What!”

“I am God.”

“God?”

“Yes. God.”

“What God?”

“The God.”

“The god?? You mean the temple one?”

“Well that would be a trifle unfair. Also the mosques, churches et al. the whole deal.”

“Oh in that case I am Luciano Pavarotti. Would you like to hear me serenade?” I blurted out. Realizing that I had been a bit rude, I apologized.

“I understand your conundrum,” he said with a cherubic smile, “But trust me. I am God. Didn’t you pray for Real Madrid’s victory today morning?”

“Holy Shit! How did you know that?”

“And didn’t you promise in Tirupati that incase you got India quiz coord-ship in Saarang, you would come back again the next semester”

“Good Lord! You are God!”

I still was doubtful regarding the person’s identity. Running into the almighty on a Sunday evening was not how I though my day would progress a few minutes back. Nevertheless he did know some freaky details about me which no one did. Especially the fact that I am closet Real Madrid fan. Hence I decided to refrain from asking him to ‘go to hell’ and continued humoring his role-playing.

‘Well if you say so its fine. What do I care? So why this sudden emergence in IIT?’

“Well, it’s an intriguing affair. I have been getting a huge amount of requests from people for quite some years now. It’s seems the young students are desperate to be in this place. Ironically, I also receive request from people within this campus desperate to get out. I just had to check out what the whole thing is about.’

“Ha! That’s crazy! Aren’t you supposed to be omnipresent and all? Know what’s happening everywhere and all that stuff.”

God broke into a devilish grin. “I think my employees have a little over-zealous. I did reprimand Jesus and Muhammad for creating a hyped image. But you know how rookies are. Desperate to prove themselves. But then I think my ego got the better of me. I should have been a little more discreet in my methods. Anyway, I am not present everywhere contrary to popular belief. I do have very efficient staffs who keep me updated with things they feel I should know.”

“You mean like the CEO of a company.”

“Ya, something like that. For example yesterday I was in Iraq.”

“Iraq! Well, I must say, you really cupped there.”

“Cupped?”

“I mean failed. Institute Lingo.”

“Oh. Ya, Iraq has been difficult. A really bad day in office if I can put it that way. But as you humans yourselves say, the fool can create more problems than the wise can solve.”

“Actually it’s ‘a fool can ask more questions than the wise can answer’ but I get your point.”

“So tell me how is life here. Why do people spam me like this with endless series of requests to get in and as soon as that happens they want to get out?”

“Spam! As in email spam?”

“Ya, we went electronic a decade back. Ever since the atheism industry took off, Recruitment efforts have taken a hit. We lost some good people there. And of course the religion field has stagnated. Heaven has lost its place has the most prized job perk. It’s all about I-banking now. So we cut down on staff and went electronic.”

“Hmmmm. Interesting. Anyway I feel if you really want to understand what IIT is all about I suggest you come as a student. Only then you can understand the mystifying dichotomy prevalent here. And by a student, I mean a B-tech student. Those half-hearted masters won’t do the trick.”

God grimaced. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I retorted, “And why is that?”

An embarrassed look came upon His face. “Well you see, I did give JEE. But…well…actually…to tell the truth….I didn’t pass.” He looked extremely apologetic. Then suddenly turning defensive he exclaimed, ‘It’s needlessly tough!’

I had started guffawing by then. “You couldn’t pass an exam!!! And you call yourself God! The purveyor of all thing living! The One with all the answers! The Creator Himself!”

God stiffened and said somberly “I do know all the answers. Answers to the deepest mysteries of the universe. The answers to life. It’s meaning. Its purpose. Answers to questions which wouldn’t even occur to you or any human on this planet. But yes, I do not now what will happen when you mix ethyl benzoate with phenolphthalein. That’s because it’s extremely insignificant”.

“But the didn’t Einstein say that God is in the details”

“Sayan, for me Creation was Art. Not Science. Science, Knowledge & Intellectual pursuits are creations of man to understand the universe and hence me. Nothing else. And anyway Einstein just wanted to sound profound by mouthing all those inanities. That presumptuous prick. Who’s he to say whether I play dice or not?’’ said God obviously referring to the man’s famous retort to Bohr.

The sermon on creation had left me a little flustered. Trying to bring the light banter back on track I commented, “Well then, do you play dice?”

“As a matter of fact I do! It helps me when I have tough decisions to make. For example when I had to decide on how to wipe off dinosaurs I was torn between an asteroid strike and a gigantic flood. While the former offered an opportunity of tremendous pyrotechnics the later would have been more fun to orchestrate with effective cloud management involved. The dice roll went in favor of the asteroid”

“Well you seem to have a devil may care attitude about your work style”, I quipped slyly.

Spotting the jibe, god smirked. “Its not as easy as you might think it is. With great power comes great responsibility”

“Whoa!! Now you are lifting lines from Spiderman!!”

Visibly unsettled at the fact that his quote source had been revealed he said, “We have digressed too much. We were discussing how I can have a comprehensive overview of life in this campus. Obviously coming as an engineering undergraduate is ruled out. I am surprised you can’t give me an intelligent suggestion and you people are supposed to be the clever ones. What was I thinking when I made you!”

Not willing to enter into an exchange of barbs with God himself, I took a moment to think. And then it struck me! “In view of your leanings towards the Arts, I have a proposition. It seems you are unaware of the fact that since last year the institute has been offering under graduation in humanities. That should be ideal for you. “

“Really??” shouted God with a disbelieving tone. “That would be perfect. How come I wasn’t informed of this? Ever since Confucius took over the petty complaints & miscellaneous Information division, the updates have been deficient. I will have to give him a dressing down tonight. Sayan, thank you for this excellent suggestion. May your I-banking dreams come true”

“How did you know!” I cried out and then immediately realizing how stupid the question was.

“So”, I continued,” now what?”

“Well, I will be getting the details of the humanities thing as you mentioned. Then I am will take a vacation for a week. It’s been quite some time since I took one. The last one was in September, 2001. It was wonderful meeting you. I am sure we will meet again. I guess it will be here itself. Of course I won’t be in a brown suit. And I won’t look this old either.”

“Vacation eh? Where do you intend to go?” I asked curiously.

“Where else but Kerela.” he grinned.

I chuckled and looked up. He had disappeared.

THE MAN WHO LOVED KAFKA

“While you were sleeping a strange incident happened”, I told Peter after he finally woke up from his long three hour slumber. “What?” he asked rubbing his eyes and trying to get out of the heavy drowsiness. “Well, you remember the man who was sitting with us? The guy in the horn-rimmed spectacles and baggy trousers. Looked as if he hadn’t shaved for a week or so. Didn’t utter a word. Kept reading Kafka.”
“Oh-yes. I remember. He got down did he? In Allahabad I believe?”
“Yes, he did. But after creating a huge ruckus.”
“Why?”
“It seemed he had misplaced his bag somewhere. He said it contained all his identification papers and some money. He was going for a interview for some job in a school. He actually tried to blame me. He asked the ticket collector to check me. But he refused. That enraged the man more.”
“What happened then?” asked Peter with a curious gleam in his eye.
“Well, what could have happened? I explained to him in clear terms that he could not go about making absurd claims in public places. Obviously he had misplaced it somewhere himself. But, what surprised me was the gall of the man. He kept on insisting that he was absolutely sure that it was the handiwork of one of the co-passengers. Why, he suspected even you?”
“Did he?” chuckled peter.” A humiliating state of affairs, was it not?”
The glee on Peter’s face made me a little uncomfortable.
“Of course he began to feel embarrassed. Why are you so smug about it?”
“Well, I knew the man. He was Mr. Kramer. He was my geography teacher in school. Always picked on me for fun. When I saw he didn’t recognize me, I thought why not pay back my debt. While he dozed off, I hid the bag in the toilet.”

“DID SHE GET SCARED…………”

yesterday as I glanced through the newspaper, sipping my coffee, the door-bell rang.

To my immense surprise, it turned out to be my old pals from school. Ravi, Sri, Manu and I were very close friends. Ours was a residential school, and we really had a great time. We were infamous as the most rowdy bunch of students who pulled off some amazing stunts almost every week. It was not surprising that there was seldom a month when we did not get detention in our inimitable principle Mr Darkin’s office. So their visit brought back all those lovely memories. We chatted for a long time and soon the topic of our most daring escapade in school came up. Ravi asked me whether I remembered it all and why didn’t I write it down. It would make a lovely story. So here goes

We were in the tenth standard then. The tough taskmaster Mr. darkins was still the principal. It was a Saturday. And it all began with a pig. We had gone to check out the new girl in school in the girl’s hostel .But as fate would have it,instead of seeing any girl, we inadvertently came across the matron Mrs. Lama.

Mrs. Lama hated boys like us and threatened to let loose her pet pig on us if we were to be seen again. Rumour had it that her pig had strong carnivorous instincts and hence we bade a hasty retreat.

After dinner we gathered in our room for our traditional Saturday night dialogue. Even a nonchalant observer of our lives would surely agree that these dialogues normally culminated into something so fanatical a venture that its repercussions would leave us busy for the rest of the week. But learning lessons from the past was not something we indulged in and hence begun the brainstorming session on what crazy thing we could accomplish that evening to uphold our reputations as the chief entertainers in school. Sri was the first one to speak.

“Not a good day, was it?”

“Nope! Scary rather.” quipped Manu.

“Yeah, especially when the matron threatened to let loose her pet pig on us!”

Ravi was unusually quiet.

Being the head mischief-monger, his were the ideas which normally brought the much needed vigour in our dreary lives. His silence unsettled me. It was a familiar silence. The one which came before the most confounded of his plans. We all stared at him with mixed feelings. While Sri and Manu’s eyes betrayed their eager anticipation mine were filled with the dread of impending doom. Ravi begun quietly.
”I hate pigs. Dead or alive. How dare the matron threaten us with her pig! I say we hit back. Lets teach her a lesson she will not forget the rest of her life. Let’s give her a shock which will haunt her for the rest of her measly life.”

Ravi’s face was convulsed with rage. He really must have hated the matron for her threats. Manu and Sri exclaimed,” Yes, you are right. Let’s do it!”

I was quiet. Everyone turned towards me. Their intense stare was too much to bear. As usual I gave in.”Ok! Do not look at me like that. I am in. One of these days I am really going to regret being with you guys. So what’s the plan?”

“That’s my boy”, retorted Manu,” I knew you could not ditch your good friends.”

Ravi continued,” Ok guys, you will be happy to know that I have a plan ready. Listen carefully.” And he told us the plan.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. But no amount of craziness in the world could justify Ravi’s plan. It was impossible. Defied imagination. And incredibly stupid. It clearly showed that common sense did not figure in his top hundred character attributes. It must have been the antics of some fellow friend like Ravi which made Einstein say long back,” Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase. Instead of explaining his “plan” I would prefer to describe the way we got about implementing it. It will surely make the narrative more interesting.
The basic goal was to scare the wits out of Mrs. Lama. I wasn’t sure whether she would get scared, but I surely was. This idea had all the ingredients for a complete disaster. Visions of week long detention at the principles office flashed before my eyes.

Ravi led us to the place where all the action was to take place. The garden outside the staff recreation hall. We all knew that Mrs. Lama was the last to leave the hall after her daily ritual of viewing the late night news. Ravi had decided to strike right after she came out of the hall. We huddled together like our beleaguered cricket team and Ravi told us our respective roles. We would be divided into two teams. The ACTION TEAM and the SUPPORT TEAM. Manu and Sri quickly volunteered to be in the support team. And as the norm was I was left facing the most difficult task. The only relief was, if you can call it a relief that Ravi was going to be with me. The course of action was the following.

Me and Ravi were to perch ourselves on one of the branches of the banyan tree in the garden. Both of us would be shrouded in a white cloth with burning candles in our hands. Manu was to signal us as soon as he heard Mrs. Lama’s footsteps. As soon as she came to view I was supposed to wail and Ravi would sway the lit candle, like a man possessed. Sri hidden in the bushes below was supposed to imitate a dog’s bark which he happened to do quite well.

In view of the fact that Mrs. Lama hated dogs to death and anything ghostly terrified her, it seemed a good plan. But considering the fact that most of our well thought out plans resulted in an uncomfortable question answer session in Mr. Darkin’s office, I was pretty apprehensive about this one too. All of you will agree that it was one atrocious plan. Ravi seemed to read my thoughts and reassured me by saying,

” Do not worry dude! Nothing can possibly go wrong this time. We will be perfectly camouflaged and it will be smooth sailing all the way. Trust me. You are safe in our hands.”
Safe. This was probably some strange usage of the word safe I wasn’t earlier aware of.

Our white bed sheets which were going to play the double role of being our camouflage along with creating the illusions of spirits perched on a tree branch were ready. So were the candles. With all the props at hand, all we needed to do was get into our positions. Climbing the tree was not a simple task for me for the simple fact that I had never climbed a tree before. Friendship makes you do strange things. I tried asking myself what I was trying to accomplish by trying to climb a banyan tree wrapped in a bed sheet among swarms of killer mosquitoes when I should have been in bed reading Wodehouse. Ironically, I was in a Bertie Wooster-esque situation myself. Woodhouse would have rubbed his hands in glee considering the infinite possibilities this situation offered.

Ravi with a look as if he was the best thing to happen to the world after Tensing Norgay, slithered up the tree. I on the other hand had to put in one hell of an effort. Putting Humpty Dumpty together seemed an easier job at that moment. But I managed it at last. I seated myself next to Ravi and tried to make myself comfortable. Which I must say was useless for only a bird could be comfortable where I was. And I was sure I was not one. Ravi whispered,

“Dude, practice your wail a bit. You have to sound like a witch.”

I told him that as I had not been lucky enough to meet a witch or come across her wail, I didn’t know how it sounded like. Ravi replied,“Well, try to imitate the sound our math teacher makes when she gets angry!”

I thanked him for the suggestion and proceeded with the imitation. What came out was something significantly different. Something akin to the pressure cooker whistle. Sri shouted from below,” Is everything alright? Anyone sick up there?”

Ravi quickly replied,” Yeah, everything fine, just a rehearsal. Be quite. You will give us away. And you Sayan. Do not ever make that noise again or I will strangle you. From now on just wail normally. Screech rather. There is no need for any special effects. We are not competing for an Oscar”The admonishment over, silence returned to the banyan. It was getting really hot under the sheet but I refrained from mentioning it to Ravi in fear of further rebuke. The mosquitoes were getting braver by the minute and the hordes just kept getting bigger. When was this damned news going to get over?

Suddenly, we saw a torch shine among the bushes. It was Manu’s signal. He must have heard footsteps. The moment I had been dreading had arrived. We were waiting for Mrs. Lama to turn round the corner before we begun our act. Ravi had the candles lit and I was wondering whether I would get the wail right. At such moments of anxiety, the mind plays strange games which cause the utmost distraction. Suddenly out of the blue I begun thinking,

” did da Vinci really paint the last supper?”

“If no, who did?”

Ravi’s nudge bough me back to reality.A figure had turned the corner and it definitely was not that of the matron.The tall, well built frame. The characteristic walk. The walking stick. They all looked deceptively familiar. To my horror I realized what I was seeing.It was not Mrs. Lama. It was Mr. Darkins.

I would have loved to know the reason of his unexpected appearance but that was the least of my problems. You see, the realization had come a tad too late. Ravi had already begun his candle swishing and I was halfway through my wail which I must mention was quite a good one. When I had begun wailing I did not remember, but the truth was that I had. The sound was enough to attract the principal’s attention to us. Now Mr. Darkin is a man of courage. He was not the one to be frightened away by a bed sheet and a wail. He shouted,” whose’s there?” and he shone his powerful torch at us. The light fell directly on me. I felt my world falling apart. It seemed that my whole life was some kind of dream and wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. My wail withered away in to a whimper. Suddenly the student in me took over and all that came out from my mouth were the words.

“Good evening, sir”.

Even today I wonder what made me say something like that. But perhaps that was the best reply anyone could come up with in such circumstances. Back to the story.Mr. Darkins too seemed slightly taken aback. He asked,” sayan, is that you? What are you doing up a tree at his time of the night. And why on earth do you have a bed sheet around you”?And on seeing Ravi he exclaimed,” and who is sitting next to you? Hey, what are you doing with that candle”?

Ravi was looking totally flabbergasted. This was not what he had bargained for. Everyone knew how Mr. Darkins terrified him. He managed a stuttering reply.“Sir, it’s me Ravi! We are…… I mean I am…….. we… well. Sir we were having a chat.”A chat! Mr. darkens would never buy that. He knew some of his students had out of the way habits. But he would never believe that people had begun to chat under bed sheets on treetops. His face clearly showed that he was pretty annoyed to be in such a situation at this time of the night. And then to make matter worse begun the barking!

My wail was supposed to be the cue for Sri to begin his canine role. It was obvious he hadn’t heard the ensuing conversation and hence had gone on to play his part. It turned out to be one of his best efforts till date. He sounded exactly like an angry Alsatian.But by this time Mr. Darkins was absolutely sure that something was wrong. He stepped towards the bushes to find the source of the cacophony. But before he could discover Sri hunched behind the foliage, something so appalling happened that his attention got diverted. A new drama was unfolding. And we and Ravi were the stars. The short conversation with the principle and the barking which followed had totally flustered us. In the melee Ravi had in a brief but fatal moment of absentmindedness placed the candle below the sheet. Cotton by an unfortunate coincidence happened to be inflammable. And in second I discovered myself surrounded by flames. I do no know what scared me more that night. The sight of Mr. Darkins or seeing myself become the first male sati. I did the only thing I could do. I jumped. Ravi thought I had slipped and tried to catch me and as result went down as well. Gravity played its role to perfection and we hurtled through space towards terra firma. Just to make the scene ideal we landed on one half of the support team, Sri, who thankfully had stopped barking.

There we lay, in a heap, among the bushes, like a small human pyramid. The last thing I remembered before passing out was sri asking,”did she get scared……….”.

Epilogue:

Two weeks in the hospital and an unpleasant afternoon in the principal’s office giving explanations was what followed the aforesaid events. Fellow students had a great time
debating what actually we were attempting to do. Colourful theories were propounded. Unfortunately our bones did not allow us to be a part of the discussion and it was some time before everyone knew the truth. And boy, was it embarrassing!