Three Men on a Boat....of Death.

I have nothing against near death experiences. I have them every four months. As long as they are not too near, I am cool. But I get a little pissed if I am informed in advance that extinction hovered in the vicinity without me being able to do anything about it. Hence the events of last Wednesday left me a little peeved.

Ever since my intern prof mysteriously disappeared and kept in touch through monosyllabic mails, life has been good. In our grief, my lab mate John and me though it would be a good idea if we went fishing Wednesday afternoon. Now when you are fishing in the middle of the week you know your intern has finally taken the right turn. So I readily agreed. So we went off to Douglas lake some miles north of Fort Collins. Offering a soothing view of the Rockies and surrounded by open fields, Douglas lake was the idyllic angler's paradise. When we reached there was just one boat on the lake with the fisherman seemingly asleep. We were to go out on a canoe belonging to John's friend Matt. So it was around 5 in the afternoon when we pushed the tiny canoe into the lake with all of us a little worried about the gathering wind and whether it was a little too strong.

Before things got tough

The next three hours were one of the laziest ever. We slowly rowed around the huge lake enjoying the slowly setting sun. We also happened to catch two huge rainbow trouts too. Now Matt who was pretty good at this told us that its when the sun actually starts setting that we get the best catch. Now during this whole time we had seen not one but two storms slowly approaching from the west and the east. As the whole area was completely open, we could see brilliant flashes of lightning regularly striking somewhere on the western and eastern horizons. By eight when the sun was finally setting both the storms had finally drifted our side. But we were oblivious to the whole thing, excited as we were by the impending deluge of aquatic creatures. As we were admiring a rainbow very close to the shore, a bolt of lightning struck pretty close to where we were. Never a big fan of things which doesn't give me at least a minute to prepare for it, I nonchalantly asked Matt what were the chances of us getting struck by a bolt or two. Both Matt and John laughed and said they have lived in Colorado long enough to know when to be wary of a thunderstorm. I went back to my fishing rod. It started drizzling. Just two minutes later Matt shouted, “get down! Go low!”. Now when one is in the middle of the lake, it is difficult to imagine what we should get low from. Flying fishes? Bullets from the near-by shooting range? I confess I was confused with Matt's exclamations. I looked back to see an equally confused John. We both looked towards Matt who was now lying down at the canoe floor. He whispered, “ I felt static. A lot of it. Didn't you guys hear it?” Simultaneously we noticed his hair were standing kind of erect. Now those of you with a scientific bent of mend will appreciate this. We know that we sometimes get signs where lightning is about to strike. Hair standing on our head, feeling a lot of static energy around you etc etc. Oh wait, thats a coincidence! It took me ten seconds to realize that Uncle Yamraj was near. Another ten seconds of reflection confirmed why. All three of us had these upmarket graphite reinforced fishing rods. Now as luck would have it, graphite conducts electricity pretty well. (Where is a diamond fishing rod when you need one!) So there we were, three idiots, in the middle of a huge lake, during a thunderstorm, pointing three perfect conductors towards the sky. What could possibly go wrong?

Now getting struck by lightning is fine. But being informed a few moments before that you are going to be struck by lightning, is a very different affair indeed. I am sure all of you know that feeling of imminent vaporization. I felt like that piece of sodium which the eight grade chemistry teacher shows around to the class before plunging it in water. The phrase 'sitting ducks' was never more clear to me. Though one part of felt maybe the strike would end up giving me supernatural powers and I could be the next character in Heroes. The worst part was no one knew I was fishing that afternoon. I would undergo a change of state and no one would ever know of it. And even if I survived I would still be in the middle of the damn lake.

That very moment, a bolt of lightning struck right near the shore. Simultaneously our boat swayed sharply to the left. Matt's fishing line was being pulled strongly and it was evident that in the middle of all this melee, we had just caught our biggest fish. Matt, now presented with this conundrum of rowing for his life or getting hold of his fishing line took a quick decision. He chose fish over life. He pulled with all his might and drew the fish close. But then tragedy struck again, the fish turned out to be a huge trout which unnerved Matt further and he let go of the line for a few seconds which was enough for the fish to make its escape. So now we didn't have the fish either and gazillions of electrons could hit us any moment. First thing we did was to stop pointing our fishing rods out and get our wooden oars out. Then the next ten minutes would have done any Onam boatman proud.

On the run

We made it to the shore without getting zapped and packed up the boat in record time and made our way out of there. And we lived to fish another day. Most probably this Wednesday again.

The days final tally

This post is dedicated to Roy Sullivan who survived after being struck by lightning seven times during his career as a park ranger. He finally died after he shot himself over a failed love affair. So the moral of the whole story is you have a better chance with 7 lightning strikes than a woman. May Roy rest in peace. There is another school of thought who believes that a man who could handle seven lightnings but not a woman deserved to die anyway. The reader is free to choose their side.

Meta 04- A Tribute

There are 2 reasons why I am writing this article. Firstly I have nothing to do. Secondly what is written here needs to be documented urgently or else a crucial aspect of IITM between 2004 and 2009 will be erased from the human memory.

I have always felt that Meta boys in the institute have been underrated by the rest of the student community. While I agree our labs get over in 10 minutes and it takes an inhuman effort on our part not to fail a course, it is not reason enough to doubt the capabilities of a batch. But thankfully Meta-04 has changed that. For ever.

I will avoid an endless rant on how great the batch has been. Rather I have listed below some of the major incidents and achievements. The conclusions can be drawn by the reader. And if it doesn’t match mine then the reader is requested to read it again.

1. We were the first batch to get BTPs allotted to us by the department. Randomly. In our bid not to be outdone, we then attempted to be the first batch to reject BTP allotments. A meeting called up the acting HOD saw no turnout and no one met their allocated Profs as a sign of polite protest. The result: Overturning of decision and Re-allotment. And in cases where it wasn’t done, the student(s) got down their parents to the dean’s office with subtle threats of suicide in view of mental agony.
2. We all began our Meta dream under one of India’s foremost scientists. After heading one of the nuclear plants of the country for a decade and serving the country in multitude of ways he decided to continue his service by teaching Meta first years. But an individual who the US thinks is too dangerous to be given a visa, wasn’t good enough for us. We demanded a change. And we got it.
3. For years have Meta batches been complaining about the P factor in their final year. Countless names have been sacrificed at the annual December massacre. Every year batches proclaim that this is it and they are going to take one final stand. No one ever did and the killings continued reducing the plight of students to an Insti-wide joke. And then P met 04. Already bruised from the BTP allotment scam, P failed all. Except 8. What followed will be called the December Revolution in the future. Cutting across a massive morass of red tape, one of the greatest compilations of anecdotes, proof, data and history took place. A case, which Crane Poole Schmidt would have been proud of, dragged on for days before a specially constituted committee. After an agonizing month, the impossible was achieved. The results were over turned and finally the P was replaced. Meta was never going to be the same again.
4. Even the famous trip to Jamshedpur got rescheduled for the first time ever. In an unprecedented move, it happened in the middle of the semester which earned the students a 2 week holiday from classes.
5. Meta parties reached a new level altogether. What once upon a time used to be limited to MSB 104, doesn’t happen in anything lesser than a full fledged beach resort.
6. A department famous for its students apping in droves saw a mind boggling 2 people going out this year. Interestingly another first has been the BP 1 not being one of those 2. Instead he has decided to drill holes in the ground.
7. One of the curious things which happened which sent shockwaves through the Btech community was the unprecedented conversion of three individuals from Btech to Dual. The Whys and Hows of the incident has never been answered but the batch will always been known as the one where 3 converted to dual.
8. We almost got a course and its end-sem cancelled when one of us exclaimed it was too boring. The lessons were dispensed with immediately and all of us given projects to make life interesting.
9. We made the biggest Amalgam ever possible. Yes. Finally Amalgam, big and success were in the same sentence.
10. Slots were shifted. From morning to afternoon. From afternoon to evening. From 3-2. From 2-1. Labs supposedly happened. Courses were supposedly taken.
11. The batch saw 3 institute secretaries, a host of hostel secretaries, 2 core members, substantial insti sports team members, brilliant thespians, inspirational singers and a political godfather of the institute. Yes they all sat in the same class. Listening to Guha.
12. The comeback of Topa: if there were any comeback stories, this would top them all. A guy who wasn’t seen for 3 years hands out his notes to the rest of the class today. Pure class. Period.

I am sure I have missed out on a multitude of other anecdotes. I do have a bad memory. But what I do remember is there was hardly a boring moment in the last four years. And that’s saying a lot when you have been learning grain boundary movement since eternity. Please inform me if I have missed out on anything substantial and I shall update it.

Here’s raising a toast to Meta 04.

Placement Tips

The placement season is about to begin. And its time for yet another of my ‘help the fellow beings’ post. So be afraid. Be very afraid.

Now we all know Hollywood movies are immensely popular in the campus. Many a day have passed watching the numerous classics in our dark rooms and then brooding for hours over the brilliant performances we had just witnessed. No doubt, it has had an effect on our personas. Hence one isn’t surprised when some one smartly quotes memorable movie lines in the course of a conversation.

But playtime’s over folks. Most of you will be giving you job interviews in a few weeks. These interviews will be crucial and all of you will be trying to make an impression. But we have to ensure that doesn’t end up with you making a fool of yourself.

One very common fallacy is quoting the Hollywood greats during an interview. As long as they are placed well, its fine. If not, then asta-la-vista to the job, baby!

I, very generously took out time from my busy schedule of visiting ATMs and investing in foreign currencies and compiled a list of probable interview gaffes which might occur if one is in his/her Hollywood mode. Here goes.

Catastrophic Starting Lines.

“Yippe-ki-yay motherfucker!”

“Today, I consider myself the luckiest man in the world”- will not earn brownie points in your first Mckinsey interview

“Ever since I remember, I always wanted to be a gangster”- when asked to tell about yourself.

“Show me the money.”

“Heeere’s Johhny!”- a tad too euphoric a way of entering the interview room.

“Do I make you horny baby?”

During the Interview- The Don’ts

“Frankly dear, I don’t give a damn”- a reply to the question whether you would like to know about your job profile.

“I am big. It’s the courses which got small.”- when asked to explain the low CG.

“You can’t handle the truth!”- on asked why you have applied for a finance job inspite of doing no relevant courses.

“I will have what she’s having”- pointing to the second lady interviewer when asked what pay package you expect.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”- when asked why you expect to get the job.

“ I am going to make him an offer he cant refuse”- when asked how you will convince a prospective client.

“ I love the smell of weed in the morning”- when asked to describe your day.

“The prof always said that the course was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get.”- when asked to explain the erratic grades.

“I see dead people”- when asked to talk about your talents.

“You are trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?”- in reply to a tough core question.

“You make me want to be a better metallurgist”- During Tata Steel interview.

“They may take my degree but they will never take my freedom”- on why you are a 5/4

“Et cetra et cetra et cetra”- second line when speaking about yourself.

GD blunders

“Attica!Attica!”- an useless GD tactic.

You talking to me?”- in the middle of a tense GD.

“say hello to my little friend”- while waving your resume in front of fellow GD students.

Houston, we have a problem”- the first words out of your mouth in a GD

“First rule in this GD, you don’t talk during this GD.”- irrelevant fight club allegory.

Avoidable exit lines:

“say goodnight to the bad guy”

“I will be back!”

“May the Force be with you”.

“I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship.”

Miscellaneos Situations

“I knew it was you_______. You broke my heart. You broke my heart”- to a friend who got the job you wanted.

“Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.”- after going through the Cap One test paper.

“ La-dee-da, la-dee-da”- ending you SOP with this phrase isn’t a good idea.

“just when I thought I was out they pull me back in”- on making it to an unexpected shortlist.

“Hoo-Haa!”- on finally making it to your dream job.

All the best guys!

Ref: http://www.afi.com/Docs/tvevents/pdf/quotes400.pdf

And now for something completely different.

Well, I have been always a little ignorant of technology. Especially when it has got to do with the computer. When I saw my peers lapping up everything there is to know about softwares and the internet, I made a conscious decision to sit out this revolution. I had to be different you see. Even at the cost of common sense. So that’s the reason why my blog has such a barren look. ( I prefer the word minimalist). No favourite blogs. No counter. No design. No funky stuff at the sides. Why? It’s not that I don’t love counters and funky stuff. And I have a number of favourite blogs. Yes Greatbong, I am talking about you. But I have no frigging idea how to incorporate all these stuff. It seems some thing called HTML is involved somewhere. Whatever.

As a result of this self imposed isolation, I am a loner in the big wide happy family of bloggers. I never get tagged for anything. No one requests me to unleash my creative genius. But I have had enough. So I TAG myself. What do you think about that, you pinheads!

Now that tagging is over, I have decided to write on this curious thing doing the rounds. 8 things which people do not know about you. Well, why 8? I would love to say 80 things if it got me a little more attention( read comments). Again for the sake of being different I will say the top 10 things people do not know about me.

The more perceptive of you might have noticed the subtle tribute I just paid to my good friend the Rt Hon David Letterman.

The list.

1. I don’t believe in reality. As a mater of fact I consider it dangerous and should be done away with at once. I believe everyone has a right to believe what one feels like. How close that is to reality is not a point of concern. Well that’s how I explain the length of my resume to people.

2. I want to die before I turn 45. Among the sighs of relief I notice a few raised eyebrows. Here is the motivation. I don’t want to get through JEE again. I mean obviously my children will be sitting for it. And it’s a worse quandary for parents than the children. FIITJEE, VMC, Brilliants again?? No way. God, I am coming home in 2030.

3. I support the war on Iraq. Without it seeing Bush and his administration’s press conferences wouldn’t be half as fun. I know I am being insensitive to the thousands dead but then they didn’t do much for me anyway.

4. I believe P G Wodehouse is the greatest ever author ever in the history of the universe. Try writing one sentence like him you punk.

5. I strongly disagree with people who say a man must know his alcohol. (Ya, Kini. I am talking to you). I feel too much time is being wasted knowing alcohol instead of drinking it. Academic pursuits should be left behind in the lab. And in some cases in Wikipedia.

6. One of my greatest faux pas was when I was caught eating a double layer chicken burger wearing a PETA t-shirt. It was one of those situations where none of the clever one-liners you mugged from Wiki-quote is of any use. But I did plead ignorance by claiming that I thought it stood for Prevention of Ethical Treatment to Animals. Some political pundits point out that it might have been one of the reasons why I lost the Mandak lit-sec elections in 2006. Psueba is a vegetarian you see.

7. I am very touchy when it comes to my privacy. I think some things should remain private. I don’t believe the people have any right to know that I have a love-life so barren that I am planning to begin hitting on Insti girls.

8. I hate Orkut. Yes I do. I think it’s a travesty of egotistical justice that one cannot write a testimonial for oneself without having a fake account. Why do they think I can write testimonials about people I have never met but not for myself whom I know since…well as long as I remember. And 1024 words?? Are they kidding me? I don’t see word limits on articles praising Brin and Page. Why then have a limit when it comes to us? Me in particular.

9. When it comes to a choice between populism and elitism, I will always choose populism. There is not better place to hide mediocrity than in a large crowd. And of course when the revolution comes it’s the elites who head to the guillotine. Revise your history you psuede buggers.

10. And finally, the most important thing that you all don’t know is something not about me. Its about Shaastra 2007. It gives me great pleasure to let out one of the biggest secrets of this year. Shaastra 2007 is going to be the awesomest, most wonderfullest, greatestest ever spectacle ever seen in the history of mankind since whatever. Even King Leonides spanking Persian asses will not come close to the passion one will witness say in the Shaastra 2007 press conference. And that’s just the mildest part of the 4 day extravaganza.

And now you know.

PS

1. Had to say the last few lines. It was in my core contract.

2. Insti girls have always had my greatest respect.

SELLING NATIONS

Brand Slogans have become such an important part of everyday life. Marketing of anything begins with the search for the appropriate tagline. Brand identification among other things depends hugely on the accompanying catch phrases. ‘Thanda matlab CocaCola’ being one of the most brilliant one to come up in the recent years.

While pondering on this led me to indulge myself in a little bit of fantasizing on how nations could be marketed. While quite a few do already have their commercials inviting tourists, they are not the sort I had in mind. The phrases I had in mind were more general in nature portraying the image a country enjoys in the current world.

And jobless as I am, I came up with a small list.

Pakistan- Creating Tension, Since 1947.

Saudi Arabia- You Drive? High-Five!

Great Britain- Great things come in small packages.

Bangladesh- Where Gratitude is just another Word.

Canada- Prosperity Through Irrelevance.

Israel- Where Rules are Truly made to be Broken.

India- Keeping Order, Through Chaos.

China- The World. Made In China.

Japan- For the smarter things in life.

Sri Lanka- Where Tigers are not endangered.

Russia- I will be Back.

Australia- Does Size Matter?

USA: The Grass is always greener on our side.

Iran: Where Diplomats get their PhDs.

Palestine: The Original Fight Club.

Germany- We make Things. And break them.

Iraq- We have Oil. Take it…. if you can.

Brazil: The Biggest Party in the World.

Sudan: Shortcuts to Population Control

European Union- Miracles do Happen.

United Nations: Redefining Redundancy

TEUTONS FOR DUMMIES.

The lonely planet is a great thing to have when you are in a new place. It’s very difficult to say what is wrong with the book. It lists basically everything. For example who knew that’s its impolite to ask for tap water in a German restaurant. Or Germans when angry lower their voices. Pearls of wisdom indeed. Information one won’t get in the run-of-the-mill travel guides.

But as I soon discovered in the last few days, LP doesn’t give you everything. There are valuable lessons which one learns only when he is finally in the new place. Most of them are learnt through unfortunate personal experiences. So I thought wouldn’t it be a great philanthropic gesture if I took out time from my insanely busy schedule of checking mails and reading news, and wrote down some Do’s and Don’ts for a novice resident in Deutschland.

So here goes.

1. Beer is NOT cheaper than water. All of you who plan to save a buck by having Becks or König-Pilsener after your meals instead of Adam’s Ale, kindly go back to your drawing board. Cheap beer is the greatest myth about Germany. If you want cheap beer, stay in India (which by the way is the greatest country in the world as I now realize. I will never complain about the costs there EVER)
   

2. Nothing is free here. Nothing. My first visit to the supermarket entailed that I didn’t have any carry-bags. I saw a heap of them lying in one corner of the store apparently there to be taken. True to our great heritage, on spotting something apparently free, I grabbed as many as possible and happily progressed towards the cash counter with my trolley. What followed was the unhappy situation of trying to explain to the lady at the counter why I had 6 bags with me while I had just bough sausages and egg. When I was unable to give a coherent reply thanks to my vintage skills in the German language, an unhappier situation followed. I shelled out 6 cents for each of the polythene bags. From then on, I have never touched anything in this country without looking for the price tag.
   

3. Know your football. To be more precise, know your Bundesliga. It’s the easiest way to start a conversation here. First thing I did after I reached here was to mug the current standings of teams. I assure you it will be very helpful. Knowing the players is obviously an added advantage. But be very careful about what you say about teams. Always discreetly find out whom the person you are talking to supports and then base your further statements on that fact. Nothing fuels more passion – and fights than soccer. For example shouting ‘Schalke sucks!’ anywhere near Gelsenkirchen might make things uncomfortable while proclaiming the same thing loudly in Dortmund a few miles away might get you a free beer.
   

4. It’s a bad idea to eat in trams. You might get thrown out. Trust me. I know.
   

5. It’s a very bad idea to travel ticket less in any public conveyance. German police normally don’t see much action and this is the only instance they can assert some authority. So don’t be surprised when you get surrounded by a mini army the moment you are apprehended. In case one does get caught, best line of defence is ‘I just came from India! I don’t know where to get a ticket.’ It always works. But don’t over-do it. There is a high probability you might be saying the thing to the same person twice.
   

6. Always carry your passport. Thanks to out jihadist cousins, there have been too many cases of ‘over-zealous’ officers just doing their ‘job’. This point can be further discussed with Prof V Sundar of the Ocean Dept who had an officer holding a gun to his head.
   

7. In the work-place never claim to know something you don’t. Germans verify everything. I will paste a certain conversation which took place.
   

Prof: Do you know how to use the TEM?

Certain Person we know: of course. I have used it many times before.

Prof: Oh good. Come with me.

Enter a TEM room.

Prof: ok, show me. Use this machine.

Certain Person we know: Hmmmm. Well I meant I have seen people using it many

times before.

8. I was informed by my well-meaning friends that German girls are supposedly easy to score. At this point of my stay, I may grudgingly agree. But what I have realized is that language forms a very important part of the scoring process. You might be at your Sunday best with your Indian charm (!) oozing out but much advancement will be difficult if you are unacquainted with the intricacies of the Teutonic tongue (I refer to the language here. The literal aspect comes in later in stage 3.) English will not get you anywhere. The whole rendezvous will end up looking like the first lessons of the local Helen Keller Society chapter.
   

Lot remains to be told. Especially about the all-important Byzantine Factor. I hope these pointers are of some help to some unfortunate fellow traveller who remains perplexed by the bizarre oddities of this nation.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS WITH THE ANIMAL KIND.

It’s begun raining again. For the fourth time in less than two months a cyclone is going to hit Chennai. It’s not the rain which worries me. I actually love rain. It’s the effect it has on our wonderful campus that I lose sleep over. My dear hostel Mandakini has already been flooded thrice this season. And I am sure a fourth one is in the offing. But as far as I am concerned this flooding and all the water are but minor problems. What I am worried about is something totally different. It’s the Frogs.

Let it rain even for half an hour and it seems the planet has been taken over by a legion of the Ranidae family. The numbers are just overwhelming. It appears as if someone had just emptied a mammoth container of small frogs over IITM and sat back to watch how the people deal with it. Suddenly they are just everywhere. A couple under the bed, a few behind the table, a motley crowd in the bathroom and virtually a whole community on the corridors. In diverse colors, sundry sizes and distinctive croaks. They make life awful especially for people who don’t consider frogs to be a tender and affectionate specie. I personally have had some very bitter encounters with them. Come to think of it, my adventures with the animal kind in the campus have been anything but ordinary. Most cases, actually perhaps all cases resulted in me being the vanquished.

Take the frogs for example. The other day I was taking my bath in the evening after the usual hour long basketball session. It had rained heavily over the weekend and as usual the frogs were ruling the roost. Now it happens that I always check every nook and cranny of the bathroom every time I enter it. I hate nasty surprises in the middle of a bath which I believe every person has a right to enjoy. But that day, tired from all that ball playing I just forgot and got under the shower. As I poured the shampoo over my head and began thinking how I could have got that one point and hence won the last game of the day I felt something slimy hit my leg. First I thought I had spilled some shampoo. But it happened again. And then again. The soap on my face prevented me from actually seeing what the matter was. I grabbed the towel, wiped my eyes and looked below.

A huge grotesque frog was jumping about and was inadvertently banging into my leg occasionally. The gross sight totally unnerved me. It was not one of those little ones which one had to carefully avoid squishing while on the way to the bogs. It was of whopping dimensions and seemed in a jolly good mood. The immediate reaction was to rush out. But I stopped myself in time. The fact that a guy sprinted out of the bath naked with soap all over because of a bounding frog are stuff hostel night roasts are made of. Nothing would allow me to bring such an embarrassment on myself. So I decided to face it like a man. I closed my eyes and begun to think what would be an honorable way out. Endure it. A small voice in the head said. And so I did. With my eyes closed I pretended that nothing was happening. Getting over with the bath as quickly as possible I made a quiet but dignified exit. But those moments with the slimy creature will remain in memory for quite some time.

The first few months in the campus were the toughest. I had to come to terms with the fact that the creatures down the food chain ought to get a little more respect. Within the first few days I realized that someone else was the boss around here. The Vanar Sena was the first to strike. It took me very little time to realize that years of human non-interference had resulted in them becoming totally fearless. If you charge at a monkey with a broom the chances are that he would charge back with something worse. I actually think they enjoying toying with us. After every transgression they sit there with a look as if challenging us to retaliate. I have suffered many losses thanks to their existence. I remember the first time such a thing happened. It was my first week and I had put out some clothes to dry. Among them there was brand new vest which I had worn just once.

I was in the room glancing through the day’s paper when the sudden chatter outside forced me to come outside to see what’s wrong. A flabbergasting scene greeted me. There on the branch of a tree sat two monkeys and one of them had put on my brand new washed vest. And they were grinning. Yes. They were actually laughing at me. And then in front of my own eyes they bounded from one branch to another and disappeared. That was not the only apparel I lost to the primates. My lab-coat, two shorts and a t-shirt soon followed. This stopped only when I decided that perhaps drying the clothes in the room would be a better option. Inconvenient surely but definitely a more viable option from the economic point of view.

The assault of the apes never stopped. Once I had got a brand new pack of glucose and hid it behind the books. The purpose was to keep it out of reach of my over zealous friends. But who knew that glucose was popular even in monkey land? My window happened to be very secure with a strong iron grill preventing any infiltration. The primates used supreme cunning which would have made even al Qaeda proud. As the grills were too close to prevent any grown-up to squeeze through, they sent a baby one to carry out the covert operation. It seemed that I had been under close surveillance and they knew what had been hidden where. Though I wasn’t a witness to the actual crime, the detective in me worked out their modus operandi. The villain had come in through a very narrow gap, headed straight for the shelf, grabbed the glucose pack and made a neat exit. Now just visualize the craftiness. Nothing else in the room bothered it. It came with a singular agenda and executed it to perfection. And now that they have a packet of strong glucose to supplement their creative exploits, the mind boggled to even envisage the consequences. The whole wing had to put up with their atrocities the whole year. They would come down in hordes like the Huns and leave a trail of destruction. Sometimes they looted just for fun and after the assault the corridors lay strewn with the spoils of war.

All these incidents made me feel perhaps my presence wasn’t liked by the animal folk. For even the otherwise docile deer, didn’t spare me. One evening I was taking the diagonal shortcut through the woods in from of the hostel office. As luck would have it a group of deer was grazing. In the shadows I missed them completely and rammed in to one of them at full speed. The sudden bump gave me the shock of my life. As my cycle slithered away I flew and fell on a pile of deer dung which proved that these days God is really very quick with his judgments. Another bout of embarrassments followed but the retribution wasn’t over. Next week, at around twelve in the night I was returning from Quark on my cycle. I was happy as I always am after a good meal, and cycling with a very carefree attitude. Who knew that my physical skills were about to undergo its toughest ever trial. All of a sudden a rustling sound attracted my attention. The rustle soon gave way to a thud of hooves and out of the blue a humongous deer with just one massive antler appeared. It was sprinting at a great tempo and was headed straight at me. I understood that to deliberate much on the matter would ensure a ghastly end. There was a time to think and there was time to run. And then it was time to run. Scurry. Scamper. Anything to save the poor intestines from being intertwined in those vicious antlers. Actually I had to cycle. Not run. And did I cycle like hell! I was chased all the way to the hostel main road and then it disappeared as abruptly as it had appeared. It appeared that scaring the lights out of me was its only aim.

No account of my animal misadventures would be complete without the mention of the curious incident of the fornicating squirrels. We were nearing the end of the first semester when one evening my room-mate opened his long idle drawer. And in it materialized a huge ball of cotton. This inexplicable discovery was soon followed by a more startling one. Strange squeaking sounds were emanating from the ball and as normally cotton balls do not make strange squeaking sounds, we decided to investigate. It surfaced that the ball happened to be a nest of some squirrel and in it were two baby squirrel-lets or whatever one calls them. Some over enthusiastic chap thought that the drawer would be a good place to find a new dynasty. Well, if you ever land up with a pair of baby squirrels you will know that it is a wretched situation. It always happens that some horrendous animal lover will land up and try to convince you that it is one duty to look after these gifts of god. Gifts of god! My foot. try being stern and then you end up getting portrayed as a stone-hearted fiend. A tricky state of affairs without doubt. Anyway, it was soon luckily discovered that Mr. I-want-a-large-family Squirrel had carried out its amorous exploits in other rooms too. Hence the moral policemen themselves tasted the bitter medicine and kept quiet about the whole issue. I went and kept it on a window sill. The next day it had vanished. We can only hope that it was safe with the busy mother who surely must have been cursing herself for not taking the concept of family planning more seriously.

Well, I don’t know how many more such escapades I will have to live through. Lord give me the patience and the will to face it all in a restrained manner. Amen.

A MEMORABLE RENDEZVOUS.

I shall recount a curious incident, which took place in my first fortnight in I.I.T.
First the necessary background. I am an alumni of D.P.S. RKpuram, a place with various claims to fame, some dubious ones at that. In my class, there was a girl. I would rather not name her, keeping in view her social standing in the institute. So lets call her A. i must mention that any resemblance of name to any person living or dead might be coincidental. Anyway lets not digress. She was a quiet sort of girl, always immersed in books and it was not often that we interacted. But still, I was her classmate.

As expected she cleared JEE at one go and landed in Chennai with an impressive branch. In the meantime I slogged for another year and barely managed it the second time. So I landed here, after a nerve-wracking year, 3000 km from my home, hopelessly looking for some help in the vast place that is IITM. Friends from Delhi had asked me to send their regard to their mates in IITM namely A and a certain Varun. Seeing the mammoth size of the place I gave up the idea of delivering regards. After all no freshie with his grey matter in the right place would go inquiring about the hostels looking for lost pals.

So there I was trying to adjust to the hectic schedule, almost forgetting that I had to meet a few people here. One of these days, it was a Wednesday morning if I remember correctly, I was walking down one of the CRC corridors when I saw A coming from the opposite direction. I did not recognize her at once. She had done away with her glasses and done something shocking to her hair. Nevertheless the change finally registered in my mind and before she passed by me, I exclaimed, ”hey A!” She looked up quizzically. My initial plans for the conversation was to go along traditional lines. Something like” hi A! How’s life?” Etc etc etc.

And similarly her reply perhaps would have been “hi, how r u? Which branch?” etc etc etc.But her incredulous stare somewhat unnerved me. I could not understand what should be the next suitable sentence. Finally I gave up and hoped she would take the initiative in furthering the conversation. She did not. After what seemed two minutes not much headway had been made. We just kept staring at each other. These are those moments in life when you fast run out of options and have no inkling what the next course of action should be. A’s quizzical look had slowly begun to give way to an irritated frown. Well, can’t blame her. No self-respecting girl can afford to look at a stranger in a crowded corridor for two minutes without any substantial reason. By this time the search engine in my head had come out with a perfect explanation for the apparently inexplicable situation. Viola! She hadn’t recognized me. At last I uttered the golden words,
“I am Sayan.”
No reply.
“Sayan Ganguly.”
No reply.
“Sayan Ganguly, DPS RKpuram, section E, third row first bench”, with a desperate coaxing voice.
A’s expression changed for the third time. An expression of relief mixed with slight guilt. I am not sure about the guilt part, I might have imagined it.
She said,”ah! Yes. Sayan. Yes. Sayan Ganguly. Yes. Good. So you are in IIT. “

I wanted to reply that no I wasn’t. I was actually on Saturn and she was just viewing my apparition, starwars ishtyle. But I decided to control my sarcastic instincts for the moment.
Her monosyllabic replies were not making the conversation more exciting and I had begun to feel that perhaps talking to her was not among the better ideas I had that day. Suddenly she broke into a laugh and said, “Hey, I hope you don’t mind that I did not remember you. You were in my class, weren’t you?”

That did it.

I muttered with clenched teeth,
“No, not at all. Why should I mind? Anybody could make such a mistake. No problemo”.
Hence making the biggest understatements of my life, I decided that the time at come to draw the curtains on the wonderful rendezvous. I looked at my watched and gave a loud exclaimation , ”yikes, I am late for my class, gotta go. sorry. Will catch up later.”

And hence the meeting ended on a friendly note.