Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger - 1

I know this concept is a lift from The Colbert Report. Stephen and me have an understanding.

Sagai Surprise

Last Sunday as I lay contemplating whether this was the worst Holi in recent memory, my dear friend Chanani gave me a ring. I expected it to be his usual monthly call where he inquires about my bank balance and then laughs hysterically on hearing it. The Schlumberger guys never miss an opportunity to stick it to us. I usually respond by asking how’s pubbing in Rajahmundry and then we call it even. But this time he didn’t venture into any such conversation. After asking whether I was sober, he announced very sombrely ‘I am engaged’. My response was a “Shit!” followed by a “why?” and ended with a “what’s the hurry?” The silence at the other end of the lines indicated he was expecting a slightly more enthusiastic reply. It took me a moment to realize my folly and I subsequently burst forth into congratulatory wishes and told him how happy I was for him.

But my involuntary response had a reason behind it. Chanani and I have shared a scarily similar life path. We both hail from the same area, schooled close to each other, studied at DPS together, both dropped a year, joined the same IIT, stayed in the same hostel, were neighbours for four years, both fought and won elections, joined the same industry and were hoping to end up on the same rig sometime in the future. And yes, both of us were rabidly hated by Rasgulla. So when he sprang the engagement news on me, it got me jittery. Ever since I was unceremoniously fired from a relationship firm I was working at, I realized close human contact is not my thing. So the time has come when I and my dear friend part ways in the road of Resemblance. It was good while it lasted but it is obvious we want different things in life. (Wait! Where did I hear that recently?).

So a tip of my hat to a very dear friend and I wish him a wonderful married life.

TopCATs

A huge tip of my hat to fellow IITian IDR, known more popularly as Varun Mangamoori to newspapers around the country, for topping CAT. The 2005 ED batch has more than its share of stirring characters. To paraphrase for ED2005 context, what Gabbar Singh said in admiration of the women of Ramgarh, ‘Is batch ke logo kis mess mein register karte hai re?

An equally big tip of the hat to my dear brother for cracking 99.96 and reminding me of his entrance exam days where every rank of his was my equivalent rank divided by 10.

*All congratulatory messages for Chanani can be posted in the comments section. He is a frequent visitor. I am not so sure about IDR though. But I will bring his attention to it, if there are many.

Jimmy Gaddar

The MetaMafia members have unequivocally decided to hate Jimmy. Why you ask? Let me explain. He was the only member of the group who decided to pursue higher studies while the rest of us, wise souls that we were, decided that it would be a good idea to open a bank account and do stuff to ensure there is a monthly increment in it.

Why spend ages trying to prepare HRTEM samples when we can cavort with shapely lasses at pubs in the weekend and buy a Skoda by year end. Of course we had to pay a heavy price for not having taken the elective Introduction to Basic Economics and being disconnected to reality in general. Life became all about paying credit card bills and bundling personal debts into derivatives and selling them to unsuspecting friends.

The current state of all the MM members is sad. The two highest earners are minting money but have been flung to parts of India where their social life is slightly more interesting than those of camels in Gabon. On the other hand in Mumbai, Mr Peace is going crazy trying to decide whether to sell or buy turmeric in the commodities exchange. Fattu Uday Kiran is slogging his ass off only to return to have dinner with his arch nemesis, me, and listen to my latest hair brained scheme to make my blog popular. I, who learnt all my materials engineering from Ironman, am meanwhile advising naive clients to invest their billions of dollars and make their state-of-the-art plant out of plastic. Jatin G remains untraced since his transfer to Chennai and Chaitanya He-is-in-love-pragada is running for life because he played for more teams than the rules allowed in the inter-department sports fest in SAIL.

In the mean time, bastard Jimmy has been spending his vacations in Europe, sipping wine, smelling cheese and posing for pictures with a condescending grin. His Facebook album is full of pictures of him gyrating with ‘graduate students’ and his work description reads ‘helping students in the lab’. His allowance is so generous that rumours are circulating in his hometown that he is planning to launch a new IPL franchise called Warangal Warriors. Not fair. Didn’t following your dreams usually mean years of rejection and frustration followed by an accidental overdose of sleeping pills?

So until Jedi Master KVM writes a stirring article in favour of the salaried class, a big wag of the finger to Jimmy for following his dreams and enjoying life at the same time.

Gulal (of Death)

A huge wag of the finger to fellow gang member and criminal mastermind Anjan Gayen and his right hand Amarnath I-fall-in-love-with-every-girl-I-meet Chakladar. When Anjan said he is going to spend Holi in Shantiniketan I knew nothing good was going to come of it. My worst fears were proved true when I read this. The very fact that they are not mentioned anywhere in the report proves conclusively they are responsible for it.


Note to the reader: The readership of the blog has exponentially increased from single digits to double digits. It is heartening. If you are in anyway responsible for it, I would first ask why and then really appreciate if you play your role to greater effect by sharing the posts you like on FB, Twitter, status messages, Google reader and the likes. Also rate the posts so that I know when I am flirting with human rights violations by exposing the public to such poppycock.

16 comments:

IDR said...

Thank you very much Sayan :)
Congratulations to Chanani and your brother.

Aditya said...

Camels in Gabon!! Good one :) and yeah damn Jimmy Gaddar for making one suffer through half an hour of chatting with someone who'd perhaps best be described as Jimmy's dependant!!

Czar said...

She's on fire.

I was referring to your blog.

Satyaanveshi said...

Keep writing sir.

Nikita said...

Did I read somewhere that your dream job would be to be the editor of The Hindu? Coz it seems totally plausible. I say this because to make ppl read through a post of a reasonable length, which is about ppl your readers know nothing of, and yet to make it immensely entertaining, is something I imagine very few writers can pull off.

I have said it before, but I think I'll be repeating these words often enough- your blog makes for an excellent read. waiting for that guest post now! :)

Chetan said...

Hilarious :D

it's baille said...

you're actually right!..you are getting better with every post :)

Vijay Shankar said...

Studness!

All posts should have a baille rape component.

@Chanani! Congrats!

Sayan said...

@IDR: Ironical to have the first comment from you.

@F2:

@czar: :D

@satya: okie dokies.

@nikita: You are too kind. And editor of the Hindu?? Where did you read that! Follow-up question...Hindu has editors?

@baille: Good that you think this way finally.

@verma saab: thanku!

@wiper: I try in my small ways. will keep the suggestion in mind.

B U L K said...

@sayan - I'm partially aware with the current state of the MM members.. besides baille to whom one's heart would go out for having to endure so much on a daily basis and to whom I'd still say (quoting tht famous saying) - "better be sad than sorry" - I reckon the others could take on the Jimmy bastard comfortably - for e.g. f2, you and I could collectively launch our own DrillingDevils or CrudeoilCrucifixers against his WW; and btw isn't allowance (generous though it may be here) a euphemism for our desi word "dehaadi"

@jimmy - 'twas all in good humor ;)

@chanani - congrats!!

Nikita said...

Yes, you're right. I AM too kind :P

Anyway, it's a newspaper. It's expected to have an editor-in-chief, no? :|
(I have no clue where I might have read that bit. Maybe it was someone else!)

Amrut said...

Editor-in-chief of "The Hindu"? WHY? One of the biggest qualifications required for Hindu is to write so matter-of-fact and justly and non-biased that you are automatically disqualified. Plus you'll be much bored.

Try ToI. No. Try Mumbai Mirror. Or Deccan Chronicle.

jimmy said...

@bulk, i shall not speak. the warriors shall with their bats and balls :P

@chanani and idr, congrats

@sayan, are u sure of this unequivocal decision by the MM, or is this defamation just to increase the viewer ship of ur blog?

shoban said...

Since you have a "good" understanding with Colbert, I am waiting for Alpha-dog of the week posts. :P

I agree with Wipe. Every post should have a obligatory Bale rape.

Rahul Kothari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rahul Kothari said...

Congrats to Chanani....
hey chanani are you the first in your gang?
would like to here about whereabouts of Jatin..
.... And yaa a very nice post...
--- kuntry